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The species of animal known as the human race has evolved from the single-celled life forms of 2,500 million years ago, into the complex creatures we are today. The culmination of this ponderous evolutionary journey has resulted in the human animal becoming the dominant species on the planet. We have become educated and proficient in many things; technology, science, medicine to name but three. We can send messages to one another around the globe in the twinkling of an eye; fire ro...
The species of animal known as the human race has evolved from the single-celled life forms of 2,500 million years ago, into the complex creatures we are today. The culmination of this ponderous evolutionary journey has resulted in the human animal becoming the dominant species on the planet.
We have become educated and proficient in many things; technology, science, medicine to name but three. We can send messages to one another around the globe in the twinkling of an eye; fire rockets to the stars and to other planets. We are intelligent enough to read, write and be able to communicate with each other in various ways.
Other creatures have become our pets. Some have been captured for our enjoyment whilst others have been taught and cajoled into doing work on our behest.
Even so, I raise the question:
Are we really civilized ?
I am forever hearing phrases such as:
"In a civilized world..."
"Any civilized person..."
"This civilized nation..."
I often wonder what is meant by such phrases and statements.
We have advanced to the evolutionary stage of being complex individuals. We have developed speech patterns which enables communication to take place between each other. We have emerged from the evolutionary minefield with a brain far more complex than any computer. We now rule the planet; we are more dominant than any other animal from the past.
In our modern 'civilized' society we differ from the animals in the wild.
We kill without justification. We don't admit that we do so for we always have an excuse, or a different turn of phrase. We murder because of jealousy, envy, greed, power or any other excuse we can think of. We kill through the act of war. We kill in the name of justice. We kill by denying the starving and neglected the food their hungry bodies require. We kill through negligence. We kill for fun in the name of "sport".
The untamed beasts of the wild, the creatures we call animals, the unspeaking four-legged savage monsters also kill. They kill to feed or protect their young. The kill to defend their families. They do not kill for pleasure or without reason.
In our modern 'civilized' way of life, we do not hesitate to encourage slavery. Too many people think of slavery as belongong to a bygone era. How wrong they are.
We help create and nurture slavery every time we buy the 'must have' new sports sh...
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As I had arranged on Monday, today I had my meeting with Miranda. She studies in a private college about 30 minutes away from mine, and I got there by train. She was waiting for me at the station, and we went to have lunch in a cafeteria nearby. I only had an hour free, but she needed just a few minutes to shatter the image I had of my ex-wife-to-be. Miranda is the closest sibling to Ella, even when there’s a five-year gap between them. As we ordered some sandwiches, she started tell...
As I had arranged on Monday, today I had my meeting with Miranda. She studies in a private college about 30 minutes away from mine, and I got there by train. She was waiting for me at the station, and we went to have lunch in a cafeteria nearby. I only had an hour free, but she needed just a few minutes to shatter the image I had of my ex-wife-to-be.
Miranda is the closest sibling to Ella, even when there’s a five-year gap between them. As we ordered some sandwiches, she started telling me a totally different story than the one I’ve heard from Ella. She said that she was tired of seeing how Ella was behaving like a love-struck teenager. That’s why she decided to speak to me. “I can’t believe how Ella had been able to do such thing, but she has taken this too far. Hurting Amy and you in such a way is something I cannot stand from her, anymore”. Those were her first words. She proceeded telling me that her thing with River (the dancer), had started about a year ago, when he started working in the school. River has been separated from his wife (yes, he’s still married) for more than a year. Sharing the same passion for dance, and representing an escape from her life full of responsibilities (I had heard that from Ella already), she got attached to the guy, as time went by. When River received the divorce papers from his wife, about four months ago, Ella thought that it was her chance. And the only thing standing in her way was me. So, in Amy’s words, she put me on time-out. But River hasn’t moved a finger about his divorce, or so it seems. And that’s why Ella doesn’t want to let me go. She acted reluctantly when I mentioned the D-word, because she wants to be sure that she won’t stay alone.
After speaking nonstop for about 15 minutes, Miranda made silence. I was just sitting in front of her, looking at no place in particular. At that same time, the waitress came to our table with the sandwiches. I rejected mine with a “No, thanks”. I had no appetite whatsoever. Miranda took her sandwich, but just stood there, looking at me. I felt so stupid; like someone who has been fooled right in front of his face. ‘’I’ve been so monumentally naïve’’, I said. Miranda apologized for not having told me before. She had no reason to be sorry. I should have heard this from Ella.
Now, the idea of counseling sounds ridiculous to me. I mean, what for? It’s not even worth it. Today I received more information that I could digest, and I’m still on the ...
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I’ve never had such a hard test in my life. Today at college, I had a Physiological Psychology test that lasted three hours. We had to define terms, answer questions, make an essay; the works. After that I was so mentally exhausted, I was yawning. I even took a nap in a gazebo outside. But that was not the test I was talking about. I was thinking that it would be a good idea to establish some kind of communication with Ella. Following a friend’s advice (Thanks Mac!), I sent her an em...
I’ve never had such a hard test in my life. Today at college, I had a Physiological Psychology test that lasted three hours. We had to define terms, answer questions, make an essay; the works. After that I was so mentally exhausted, I was yawning. I even took a nap in a gazebo outside. But that was not the test I was talking about.
I was thinking that it would be a good idea to establish some kind of communication with Ella. Following a friend’s advice (Thanks Mac!), I sent her an email, after erasing it about 14 times. Finally, I could get myself to write something that sounded clear and serious, without being desperate. Basically, I just asked her what might be the next step in this conflict. We have been on this for three months, and I’m getting tired of her ambiguity. If she wanted to work things out, I was willing to attend counseling with her. If, instead, she was thinking about us parting on separate ways, I was willing as well. I just want to know what are we going to do next. I want to know what am I going to tell Amy, for when we have to tell her.
About an hour ago, she replied. Retaking her “I’m confused” position, she explained that she had been seeing this guy (whose name is River, by the way), for about a month. That she hadn’t told me in fear of my reaction. That she was confused because she still loved me, but not like before. That she had a lot of responsibilities. Being a mother so young. College. Ballet. Wife. Stress. Confusion. Her dreams. Her aspirations. Disappointment. Her reply was extensive, and full of words I had already heard from her. For some reason, I sort of expected something like this. Seems she wants the best of two worlds. But it cannot be. Not with me. I’m sorry.
It seems like we can no longer live together, because I will be interfering with her aspirations. Funny, because my aspirations included her, and our Amy; a life together, grow as a family, have new additions, perhaps. I was trying to become a better and more prepared human being, not only for me, but also for them, because I couldn’t talk about me without talking about her, and our daughter; because it was no longer “me”, it was “us”. But I guess I was just a hopeless romantic; a man in love with the idea of a solid family, that now feels it slipping from his hands in a millisecond, like liquid gas that he cannot grasp.
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Today I did remember to walk Amy to her classroom. Mrs. Parisi always welcomes us with a warm smile on her face. Amy has an established routine to enter her classroom, and start her learning day. She gives eight steps into the classroom, to then turn around smiling, and waving back at me. This morning, there was a woman beside me, dropping her son. Amy smiled, I smiled, and the woman beside me smiled with such delight... it was beautiful. I just hope she had a great day. I had a norm...
Today I did remember to walk Amy to her classroom. Mrs. Parisi always welcomes us with a warm smile on her face. Amy has an established routine to enter her classroom, and start her learning day. She gives eight steps into the classroom, to then turn around smiling, and waving back at me. This morning, there was a woman beside me, dropping her son. Amy smiled, I smiled, and the woman beside me smiled with such delight... it was beautiful. I just hope she had a great day.
I had a normal day at college and work. Right after arriving to my cave, I received a call from Ella's mother, again. It does not bother me at all, she's a good woman. She just called me to let me know that Ella had told her everything, about the apartment incident, and the other guy. She told me that she was very sorry. She doesn't have to. It's like people say: those things happen to the best of the families. I know she has the hope that we might get back together. I cannot assure her that. And for that, I'm sorry.
Sharp, at 8, I called Amy. She picked up the phone quickly, and sounded so happy. Her cheery voice raised my spirit. She told me that she was going to participate in a school play! Father or mother reading this: you know that this is one of the things you were looking forward to, because there's no better thing that taking photographs and cheering your kids while they are at the stage! I felt all warm and fuzzy inside, while my angel was telling me that she would play the part of an apple. I can't wait to see her.
Her delighted laugh as she was telling me all this filled my heart with joy, and determination. This is my child, and I have a compromise with her to love her, respect her, and never deceive her until the end of our days. Soon, Ella and I will have to talk to her, and we are going to have to talk about many stuff, in a civilized way, with no yelling or fist-clenching. We are going to have to start behaving like adults.
Amy will soon be playing a part, as an apple, at school. But in this story of our lives, she's our protagonist. And, although, there cannot always be a happy ending, we can make sure it does not become a nightmare for her.
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As you probably know, I have a daughter. Her name is Amelya Sophia, but we call her Amy. She's 5 years old; turns 6 in September 16. She, along with my wife, is the light of my life. My wife and I had her when we were relatively young, at the age of 19. She was a loved baby since the beginning, but I have to be honest with you, it was totally unplanned. Even when we were scared to death, and we didn't know what to do, we just embraced it as a blessing from God. It hasn't bee...
As you probably know, I have a daughter. Her name is Amelya Sophia, but we call her Amy. She's 5 years old; turns 6 in September 16. She, along with my wife, is the light of my life.
My wife and I had her when we were relatively young, at the age of 19. She was a loved baby since the beginning, but I have to be honest with you, it was totally unplanned. Even when we were scared to death, and we didn't know what to do, we just embraced it as a blessing from God.
It hasn't been easy, though. At age 2, Amy was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified), which means that she has some symptoms of Autism, but not enough of them to diagnose her with the actual disorder. In other words, we are in some kind of neurological limbo. She is impaired to make friends with her peers, she never begins a conversation (and won't even look at you straight to your eyes if she doesn't know you), and she is obsessed with organizing and counting stuff. Now, some of you might think that the last one is not that bad (probably because your kid's bedroom looks like a jungle), but try giving her Frosted Flakes for breakfast, right before going to school. She will count every flake in her bowl, to then put exactly 8 flakes in her spoon, everytime she takes it into her mouth to eat. Needless to say, we don't eat corn flakes anymore.
But, besides all that, she's just as normal as any other child her age. She loves playing with her Legos, for hours. She takes all her cups, where she organizes all the pieces by color and size, counts all the pieces in them, and then make all sorts of stuff: a red house with a green roof, a blue car, a yellow tree. Her learning abilities are quite normal, but she cannot deal with a regular teacher (and who can, nowadays?). So she attends a preschool center for kids with similar kinds of ''disorders'''. Even the word is so inappropiate, when Amy is so obsessively organized.
So, today I decided to dedicate my journal to her, because she's the most beautiful girl in the world. She's learning ballet. Her mom and I taught her how to read and write. She does it at her own pace, which is perfect. And I am totally proud of being her dad.
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Yesterday, I had a different St. Valentine’s Day. I went on a dinner/ movie date with my daughter. She made me tie a light blue ribbon on her head, with her dirty blonde curls cascading down her back. She said that blue is the color of love. When I asked her why did she say that, she answered me that the sky was blue, and God lives there, and since God is Love, then it had to be true. She’s right. We went to see “Hotel for Dogs”, a very nice, family-oriented film, in which two siblin...
Yesterday, I had a different St. Valentine’s Day. I went on a dinner/ movie date with my daughter. She made me tie a light blue ribbon on her head, with her dirty blonde curls cascading down her back. She said that blue is the color of love. When I asked her why did she say that, she answered me that the sky was blue, and God lives there, and since God is Love, then it had to be true. She’s right.
We went to see “Hotel for Dogs”, a very nice, family-oriented film, in which two siblings rescue homeless dogs. It was very nice. I really liked it. Thank God Amy is not too much of a dog girl, so she was not insisting for a dog, like the rest of the kids in the theater. To our surprise, as we were leaving the movies, we stumbled upon Mrs. Parisi, who was also watching a movie. Actually, Amy spotted her, and literally ran towards her, something kind of unusual, but understandable, since Amy is very close to her teacher. After a short conversation, Amy ended up inviting Mrs. Parisi to have dinner with us. She accepted, hesitantly. She was alone, and it was St. Valentine’s; it was not a day to be alone.
We went to Chilli’s, which was full. But we were able to get a table rather quickly. We had a nice conversation. It still felt odd; Mrs. Parisi is Amy’s teacher, and I don’t know if it was right to invite her. But it was nice having her around. Just like in the classroom, she is very charming, and smart. We spoke about the economy, children, college, foreign countries, and current affairs. She asked me about how things were going with Ella, and I gave her an update. She told me Ella told her once about what was going on, but that she thought that it was not as bad as it actually was. She understood what we’re going through because she had gone through a divorce herself, two years ago. Irreconcilable differences, she said. That explained why was she sitting in front of me.
After dinner, Amy and I walked Mrs. Parisi (whose name is Alejandra, by the way) to her car. When we arrived home, Amy was already sleeping. After I took her to her bed, I just sat down, letting the silence fill my dwelling. I took my laptop, and I just started writing; nonsense at the beginning, but it later took the form of a poem. A poem dedicated to the person whose ears had deafened to my declamation of love. To share it with you, it goes like this:
Déjame llevarte de la mano
Hasta mi rincón añorado,
Para danzar a tu alrededor
Evocando un ri...
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When I woke up yesterday, I felt like something was going to happen; something important. So I went to college, hoping that one of the professors might take the day free, or that they might be another strike, but no. I had a totally normal day at college, and nothing particularly important happened. Then I thought: maybe it was something related to my job. But, guess what? Neither; nothing out of the ordinary. In the afternoon, I went to pick Amy up from the apartment. I waived at El...
When I woke up yesterday, I felt like something was going to happen; something important. So I went to college, hoping that one of the professors might take the day free, or that they might be another strike, but no. I had a totally normal day at college, and nothing particularly important happened. Then I thought: maybe it was something related to my job. But, guess what? Neither; nothing out of the ordinary.
In the afternoon, I went to pick Amy up from the apartment. I waived at Ella, and she smiled a little. Her face was blank; I couldn’t see if she was the tinniest bit happy, or sad, or angry, or in a rush. I really didn’t bother on finding out. Probably Mr. Dancer would pick her up at any minute. Or maybe she was going to stay at home, for a change. Who knows? But she shook every joint in her body to produce a slight upward movement of the lips, which tells me that we’re on the same boat. We better carry things peacefully, for the sake of Amy.
And so, I took my little lady to have dinner at a pizzeria. She eats pizza in the most unusual way, by layers. Yep, you read it. She goes with the toppings first, then the cheese, and then the bread. We had a very good time eating.
On our way home, my suspicions came true. We were listening to some oldies on the radio and Amy suddenly asked me “Daddy, when is mommy going to lift the grounding?”. I asked her what did she meant. She told me that Ella told her that I was on time-out, and that I was going to be out of the apartment for a little bit more time. That question caught me off-guarded. So I tried my best to explain to her that Mommy and Daddy had some problems, and that they tried their best to solve them, but it had been hard. She remained silent for a while, to then hit me with the hardest questions. “Do you love mommy?”, she inquired, looking at me with her beautiful green eyes full of hope. I assured her that I indeed loved her. “Why don’t you tell her? That way you can come back with us”. That one hit me straight to the heart. Calmly, I explained to her that I loved her and her mother with all my heart, but that sometimes, some situations make it hard for mommy and daddy to live together. The best thing, in that case, is to live in different houses. But, of course, that didn’t mean that I was going to abandon them. I would always be with them.
After that, she smiled at me, and remained silent, dancing to the beat of the song on the radio. I can only imagine wha...
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The weekend finally came, and with it, my fun time with Amy started. I picked her up Friday night. At 9 a.m. sharp, she sneaked into my bed to wake me up. She’s an early bird, and I tend to wake up after 8. But Saturday was a special day; it was Borders’ day! One thing I’m trying to do is to introduce her to the magical world of reading. I want her to know that books are her friends, and that it gives you new things to learn, and hours of entertainment. So far, so good. She likes to read, and...
The weekend finally came, and with it, my fun time with Amy started. I picked her up Friday night. At 9 a.m. sharp, she sneaked into my bed to wake me up. She’s an early bird, and I tend to wake up after 8. But Saturday was a special day; it was Borders’ day! One thing I’m trying to do is to introduce her to the magical world of reading. I want her to know that books are her friends, and that it gives you new things to learn, and hours of entertainment. So far, so good. She likes to read, and gets excited every time we arrive to the children’s section, as if we were entering a magical realm.
We left the magical realm of Borders after buying about 8 books full of shapes, numbers, and colors. Then, at home, we played a game, in which she had to divide different things in different categories, like size, shape, color, and weight. She’s learning so fast, it amazes me. I’m so proud of her, and how eager she seems to always learn something new. I hope she never loses that curiosity.
At night, we were deciding where we were going to go on Sunday (Amy suggested the park again), when I received a call from Miranda, Ella’s sister. She wanted to see the girl sometime during the weekend, and I suggested her to come with us to the park; some company wouldn’t hurt. So, this time, we prepared an extra sandwich for aunt Miranda. I really appreciate Miranda having such a good relationship with Amy, since very little people in the family understand her.
So today we spent a great afternoon in the park. We played in the sandbox for a while, then she spotted ants, and you know the rest of the story. She remembered that her little friend Annie (who I hope is still there in the cup, and alive) needed a companion, so we looked, and looked, and looked… until Amy spotted the one. It was a big ant, like Annie. So, right before leaving, we put in on a cup, with some sand, and we left. In the car, Miranda asked Amy why did she want to find a companion for Annie. Amy’s answer really amazed me, and made me a bit sad. She explained that nobody should be alone. That Annie needed a companion to talk, and build the house together, and because being alone was very sad and boring. She said that, if they were mad at each other, she could try to make them be happy again, so Annie wouldn’t put Olly (that’s how she named the other one) on a time-out, like Ella did with me. We looked at Amy, but she wasn’t looking at us; she was engrossed with her new little friend...
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I comment almost exclusively on the poems entered in my contests. I find it easier than going out and trying to find good poems to read. That is why I hold a lot of contests, and quite frankly, as a contest holder, I don‘t feel I have to invest emotionally in every poem I read. I judge the poems on their poetic value, not their emotional quality. Now, often, the two things are synonymous, but not always. Yesterday, while reading contest entries, I came across a poem that was very well written...
I comment almost exclusively on the poems entered in my contests. I find it easier than going out and trying to find good poems to read. That is why I hold a lot of contests, and quite frankly, as a contest holder, I don‘t feel I have to invest emotionally in every poem I read. I judge the poems on their poetic value, not their emotional quality. Now, often, the two things are synonymous, but not always. Yesterday, while reading contest entries, I came across a poem that was very well written, but as I read, I found a typo in it, and I pointed it out in my comment. I also acknowledged that there was a lot of pain in the piece, and thanked the person for entering. I would paste what I wrote word for word, but the comment I made was deleted. Anyway, the person replied with this:
yes I have.. and you picked out the grammatical error? You have no idea what
it takes for some of us to put our lives out here in poetry do you? You missed
the whole thing with me. why not shut down and write a little yourself.
Now, as I said, the poem was very well written, so I know that I did not make any negative remark on it. I only pointed out the typo. I don’t know what this person was expecting in a comment, but if you enter a poem into a contest that has typos or other grammatical errors, you should expect the judge to make you aware of them. If they don’t, then they are a lousy judge in my opinion. I honestly do not want to get emotionally invested in every poem I read. Who has the energy for that? I am not commenting in order to heal people’s inner child. My comments can’t exorcise someone’s demons, or expunge a lifetime of pain.
Apparently, I did not give this person what she needed in my comment. What I find strange about this person’s reply is that she tries to tell me that I don’t know what it takes for people to post their lives in poetry. I have posted over 170 poems on this site, each of them another piece of me laid out openly. Hell, I published an autobiography that splays me raw for the world to see. That is what writers do, we crack ourselves open and spread our souls on the page. Don’t tell me that I don’t know what it is like to post my life online. I do it willingly. I may find the act of writing cathartic for my own dysfunctional psyche, but I certainly don’t expect people to give me therapy in their comments.
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So I'm scrolling through the contests on Storywrite (I hardly ever enter them, but it's nice to see if I can) and I come across one that looks really good. I have the perfect idea for it, but then I read the rules: 5- no gays (this has becomed a rule in all contests) Okay, idiot. First of all, I've been on the site for over two years, while you've been on the site for like four months...
So I'm scrolling through the contests on Storywrite (I hardly ever enter them, but it's nice to see if I can) and I come across one that looks really good. I have the perfect idea for it, but then I read the rules:
5- no gays (this has becomed a rule in all contests)
Okay, idiot. First of all, I've been on the site for over two years, while you've been on the site for like four months. I have a column and a class on contests. I've hosted 42 contests, while you've hosted four. I know a little more than you do about this topic.
Second, it's spelled "become." If you're going to host a contest, spell things right.
And third of all, be polite. I mean, seriously... no gays? I think "No gay stories" would be a little more appropriate. Unless you actually mean no gay people, in which case FINE. I won't enter your stupid contest. In fact, I'll put you on my ignore list.
(I actually won't. I'm not that mean.)
Sorry people, if I seem bitchy, but this just really pissed me off, and I figured I haven't written a journal in a while, so I did it up. I don't usually freak out over little things, but I took offense to this for some reason.
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The words Organized and Lawrie are, in my limited dictionary, antonyms. If ever a person deserved to be christened with the middle name of Dis-organized it would surely have to be yours truly. At this time of punching the keyboard (with one finger from each hand), I am inundated with the following: On my table: Two volumes of a rather large dictionary (very rarely ...
The words Organized and Lawrie are, in my limited dictionary, antonyms. If ever a person deserved to be christened with the middle name of Dis-organized it would surely have to be yours truly.
At this time of punching the keyboard (with one finger from each hand), I am inundated with the following:
On my table:
Two volumes of a rather large dictionary (very rarely opened)
One large Thesaurus (very rarely referred to)
One mound of paper (for the purpose of jotting down notes)
A handful of cheap biros
Approximately two dozen story ideas, mostly without titles (some written so ineligibly that even I can't read them)
A cookie jar (half full, or half empty) containing my favourite custard creams
A twenty year old mug containing coffee, sugar, milk and Baileys
Inside the internal, mystical workings of my laptop:
A dozen or so half-written stories
A dozen or so stories awaiting editing
A couple of drafts which require a complete re-write
Inside my head:
A mish-mash of stories, journals, essays waiting to be untangled from one another and set down on some of the sheets belonging to the mound of paper on my table.
Besides all of this, I have a plethora of comments needing replies; my belief being that as the good folk of Storywrite have been gracious enough to read my offerings, I should be grateful enough to respond with sincere thanks.
I also have a list, covering two sides of a sheet of foolscap paper, with the titles of works written by Storywrite members; works which I have been wanting to read and/or comment on for a while.
Being dis-organized (some may say dysfunctional) I need to work out a way of catching up with all my self-made commitments. This self-imposed workload has created a situation whereby I must do something quite extraordinary, something totally alien to my inner being; I must become organized.
There we go! I've actually used that word.
I can ( and have done so quite efficiently) organize my finances, my work schedule and, in fact, anything other than my writing/reading/commenting. There's no doubt that if my occupat...
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This week had been particularly calmed, until yesterday. There were some changes in the play where Amy was going to dress as an apple. The teacher in charge of the whole thing told us that they were going to change the fruit clothing for a more typical attire. So, Amy will be dressing now as a peasant girl, with a white shirt and floral long skirt. For the parents who already had the costumes (like me), the school offered to buy them, for another occasion. That was a nice move. The school wil...
This week had been particularly calmed, until yesterday. There were some changes in the play where Amy was going to dress as an apple. The teacher in charge of the whole thing told us that they were going to change the fruit clothing for a more typical attire. So, Amy will be dressing now as a peasant girl, with a white shirt and floral long skirt. For the parents who already had the costumes (like me), the school offered to buy them, for another occasion. That was a nice move. The school will provide the new costume for the girls. The students had another rehearsal on Wednesday, and they did great. They are going to make a group performance, singing a song about spring. I called Ella to let her know about the recital, but she didn’t show up. She quit studying, she told me, and now she’s working full time. So, Amy called her later that night to tell her about how it all went.
On Thursday, I had an oral exam at college, for the Physiological Psychology class. It was very interesting. All of us were supposed to choose a concept, or question, and deconstruct it into more concepts and questions. It was some sort of exercise to explain the Complexity theory. Taking as example a video I saw on YouTube the other day, I chose to deconstruct the universal question “How much do you love me?”. Everybody chose a different thing. It was a good exercise, and we had a good laugh.
Now, it seemed like Friday would be as calmed as the other days that had gone by. And so was it, until 11:30pm. Amy and I went to eat at Pizza Hut, and then went to Borders for a while, and had come back home around 9:30. Amy went straight to bed, and I started working on some questionnaires for the Research Methods class. Two hours had gone by unnoticed, until I heard somebody yelling my name outside. I put on a T-Shirt, and opened the door, to see Ella stumbling her way through my driveway. When she saw me, she started singing, and that’s when I could see that she was totally drunk.
I ran downstairs, and told her that the owners of the house, and her daughter Amy were sleeping. “So what? I want everyone to know that I love you”, she yelled. Amy could wake up, I told her, and I didn’t want my little lady to see her mother like that. So Ella started yelling “I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry, but I love your daddy!”. At that exact moment, Melissa, the girl Ella is staying with, arrived. Visibly ashamed, she told me that they had been in a party, but that Ella had decided...
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The beach was calling me, and I answered. Water, sun, sand, palm trees… what else can you ask for? Today was a very good day. I reconnected with my old friend, the beach, and all of us had a lot of fun. We arrived there around 12, and left around 5. Not too many people were around, which was good. Amy is progressing with her swimming, and spent most of the day with me in the water. The water and I have a strange connection. It’s like some sort of attraction. I just need to be in it. ...
The beach was calling me, and I answered. Water, sun, sand, palm trees… what else can you ask for? Today was a very good day. I reconnected with my old friend, the beach, and all of us had a lot of fun. We arrived there around 12, and left around 5. Not too many people were around, which was good. Amy is progressing with her swimming, and spent most of the day with me in the water. The water and I have a strange connection. It’s like some sort of attraction. I just need to be in it.
My brother Julian told me that he found me today in a better mood than last time. I told him that those are the results of adaptation. Then, I was still adapting to the idea of a definitive split. Now, I’m getting used to it. I had being fighting for a place in her heart that didn’t belong to me anymore. But now I’m learning to set my priorities. And spending time by myself is not so bad after all. He was happy. As my older brother, I know he worries about me. And, deep inside, I know he’s glad Ella and I split; they never got along. Ella used to say that he was an a-hole; Julian used to say she was a spoiled brat.
“Not all of us is as lucky as you, Julian”, I told him. And he knows I’m right. His wife Sarah is the best. She’s so sweet, smart, funny, and attentive. And, they treat each other like they just got married. They still haven’t had kids, but they treat my Amy like their own. He just smiled; that smile that comes to the face of those who are completely happy. One day, I shall smile again like that. And although I’m still in process, I know I have to deal with a lot of issues.
We left the beach with a promise of coming back soon, and a bucket full of shells that Sarah and Amy collected. I sincerely hadn’t gone since the summer. But being in the sea, and letting the water run through my hair and my body… it’s like a cleansing ritual. Hope things keep on going better for Amy and me.
Right now, I’m about to put some aloe gel on my back, because I burned! Amy is sleeping, and she’s smiling in her sleep. I hope her guardian angels watch over her dreams. When I see her like that, it fills me with such pride. I’m her father. I’m the one she runs to, screaming “daddy, daddy”. I’m the one who laughs with her, cries with her, and comforts her in times of confusion and uncertainty, like now.
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Today, I was feeling pretty anxious the entire day. I was going to pick Amy up at her house. I missed her to death yesterday. I’m still adapting to the new schedule, but it won’t be for too long. Anyway, I went to Ella’s apartment to pick Amy up, as usual, and they were waiting for me outside. When I was going to pick Amy’s bags to put them on the trunk of my Jeep, she pulled my sleeve and said in a calmed, low tone “I forgot something upstairs, daddy. Can you come with me to pick it up?” I k...
Today, I was feeling pretty anxious the entire day. I was going to pick Amy up at her house. I missed her to death yesterday. I’m still adapting to the new schedule, but it won’t be for too long. Anyway, I went to Ella’s apartment to pick Amy up, as usual, and they were waiting for me outside. When I was going to pick Amy’s bags to put them on the trunk of my Jeep, she pulled my sleeve and said in a calmed, low tone “I forgot something upstairs, daddy. Can you come with me to pick it up?” I know my daughter very well. She is very careful to put everything inside her bags. So I knew this was something else. So I as went with her, Ella hurried her pace and stopped me, saying that she could go with Amy. But, as Amy grabbed my hand, I ran upstairs with her, and Ella followed us.
What I saw, in the apartment, made me mad beyond imagination. There, in the living room, in his underwear, watching TV, was Ella’s little dancer, River. He immediately stood up. My skin must have been turning green, because the guy sat down again and covered himself up with a cushion, his eyes stuck straight to mine. I ordered Amy to go to her room, and I didn’t have to repeat it twice. “And you thought I wasn’t going to find out about this, Ella?”. As always, she remained silent. That was better, because I really didn’t want to hear her. Then, the guy dared to say something, I’m not sure what, but it was something about him staying there only for a month, until he found another place. Anyway, anger had taken over me, and the next thing I heard was Ella screaming, leaning over a bony frame spread on the floor, with blood pouring out of his nose. I guess I have to be sorry for that. But I just took Amy out of her room, told her to close her eyes, and took her out of the apartment.
On the way home, Amy apologized for making me mad. I told her that it wasn’t her fault. Then she told me she was sorry, because she lied to me about leaving something at the apartment. She said she did it to let me know that River was there. Then she confessed that she doesn’t like him, because he treats her mommy very badly. That made me feel better for punching him. Not only for mistreating Ella, but also for making Amy a witness of that mistreatment. That’s not the way I want to raise my daughter, and I’m not going to let Ella expose her to that kind of danger. So, I made my decision. Amy is staying with me.
At home, I called Ella’s parents and told them everything about wha...
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by Kevan
on May 11 10:18 AM 2009,
1,100 words.
All.
6 comments.
3 Things you Love 1 - Writing. 2 - Chocolate.3 - NSSSA. 3 Th...
3 Things you Love
1 - Writing.
2 - Chocolate.3 - NSSSA.
3 Things you Hate
1 - Liars.
2 - Seafood. 3 - All the glitches on AJ.
3 places you've been
1 - Nova Scotia, Canada
2 - New Brunswick, Canada.3 - Prince Edward Island, Canada.(I know, I've been all over, ahaha).
3 places you want see
1 - Australia.
2 - Venice.
3 - Argentina.
3 places you hate to be
1 - On the bus, alone.
2 - In a class with no friends.
3 - In public restrooms. 3 people you love
1 - My mommy.
2 - My friends.
3 - A boy whose name I need not mention. 3 people who make you laugh
1 - My whole family.
2 - My friend Gabby.
3 - Jessie Brown! Bahaha. 3 people you miss
1 - Dylan Hill.
2 - Zack Hamilton.
3 - Kevin Charlebois. ...
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I came back from the hospital about an hour and a half ago. I have to thank all of you who had Ella on your prayers. May God the Almighty reward you for your kind words and good hearts. But I'm afraid I am the carrier of bad news. Ella passed away today. We carefully reviewed her condition with the doctor, and came to the conclusion that she was clinically dead. The only thing keeping her alive was the life support. But our Ella was not among us anymore. So we decided it was time to ...
I came back from the hospital about an hour and a half ago.
I have to thank all of you who had Ella on your prayers. May God the Almighty reward you for your kind words and good hearts. But I'm afraid I am the carrier of bad news. Ella passed away today. We carefully reviewed her condition with the doctor, and came to the conclusion that she was clinically dead. The only thing keeping her alive was the life support. But our Ella was not among us anymore. So we decided it was time to let her go. Ella's parents, her sisters, Melissa, Abigail (a fellow ballet teacher), Amy and me said good-bye to her. Amy kissed her on the cheek, and the nurse removed all the monitors. And then, Ella peacefully expired. She was declared dead at 3:10pm.
As we left the room, John said that he was going to contact the funeral home near their house to come and pick up Ella's body. Delia didn't say a word; her sight reflected an emptiness growing from within, as she was looking at no place in particular. I hugged her, and she sobbed quietly in my arms. Nothing compares to the pain a mother feels when she loses her child. So I want to be strong for her, and for my little lady, who just lost her mommy. Madgalenna and Mirtzeska said they were going to take care of finding the outfit for Ella. Miranda offered to stay with me, to take care of Amy, but I said it was not necessary. Still, she insisted. Midgeliah and Morgana left with Delia and John.
Tomorrow morning, I will go with John to take care of the funeral details. It will be good to have each other as support.
I just hope Ella finds peace wherever she goes. And I hope we find peace to cope with her departure.
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This was a pretty interesting week. On Monday and Wednesday, Amy and I received Ella and her mom Delia at our apartment. Ella apologized for Friday’s show, and sworn to never repeat it again. She played with Amy for a while. You should have seen her face: such an angelical, delighted smile lightened her face, lately somber with worry and the sadness provoked from being separated from her mommy. I know how much she needs her, and seeing her like that had been breaking my heart over and over ag...
This was a pretty interesting week. On Monday and Wednesday, Amy and I received Ella and her mom Delia at our apartment. Ella apologized for Friday’s show, and sworn to never repeat it again. She played with Amy for a while. You should have seen her face: such an angelical, delighted smile lightened her face, lately somber with worry and the sadness provoked from being separated from her mommy. I know how much she needs her, and seeing her like that had been breaking my heart over and over again these last days. That’s why, when Delia called me to ask me if she could come with Ella to see the girl, I immediately accepted.
So, we had a nice dinner, and talked calmly, and Amy couldn’t stop smiling. On Monday, when Ella left, Amy almost started crying. When I asked her, she told me that she was afraid because she didn’t know when she was going to see her mommy again. I had to assure her that it was going to be pretty soon, for her to go to sleep. Amy is my life, and I will do everything that’s possible to never make her feel sad, or disappointed. And that means establishing a good relationship with Ella. Amy needs both of us, and I’m no one to keep her away from her mother, as long as she doesn’t represent danger. That’s why Delia is coming with her. It’s a good way to keep her under control.
On Friday we went to the movies. I invited my father to come along with us. We watched “I love you, man”. It was quite funny. It also reminded me that I have very few friends. But that’s good. I have my own tight circle of people I befriend and trust, and some of them are from the Internet. But I’m glad to count my own family among them. I was raised in a united family, especially after my mom died. My dad was always there for us. That’s why I always want to be there for my little lady. I’m joyful to be able to see her everyday; to wake her up in the morning, and tuck her into bed at night. For now, that’s a privilege Ella has lost, and I know how she must feel. It’s not easy to be away from your offspring.
As I was talking about this to my dad, on our way to his house, he just advised me to keep control over myself, and stop acting impulsively. He recognized that Delia is doing something great with her daughter, standing by her. Her sisters should do the same. Ella really needs her family’s support, because that will help her avoid making alcohol a habit. People are losing their minds recently. This week, a man killed his wife in the midd...
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At last! At long last I've had a work-day to remember. I had to work on Good Friday and Easter Monday, which I wasn't happy about but I've got bills to pay and politicians to hand my taxes to. Anyway, at work yesterday (Friday 24th April), I had a day where everything went according to plan; no broken machinery, no stroppy drivers, no hassles with the guvnors, and plenty of lovely pre-Summer sunshine. I was called to the office about half an hour before the end of ...
At last! At long last I've had a work-day to remember.
I had to work on Good Friday and Easter Monday, which I wasn't happy about but I've got bills to pay and politicians to hand my taxes to.
Anyway, at work yesterday (Friday 24th April), I had a day where everything went according to plan; no broken machinery, no stroppy drivers, no hassles with the guvnors, and plenty of lovely pre-Summer sunshine.
I was called to the office about half an hour before the end of work. To my surprise, it wasn't to attend some spurious meeting, or be asked some unanswerable question the bigwigs like to ask from time to time. Nooo! This office visit was to inform me I had won a raffle; a raffle I didn't know I'd taken part in.
The personnel who had attended work on the Bank holidays had had their names placed in a raffle and my name came out. I received as a prize, a bloody big chocolate easter egg. When I say big, I mean B I G. It was (still is, until the grandkids visit tomorrow) two feet tall and eighteen inches in diameter (measured around the centre).
Also included in the egg box, was a giant chocolate bar which measured twelve inches by six inches by one inch (chocoholics eat your hearts out )
There was also a small envelope. Inside was a printed card which informed me I had also won day's holiday (with pay) which will be added to my yearly entitlement.
At last! At long last I've had a work-day to remember.
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Yesterday was my birthday! I held a contest on AP. I wanted presents of words & that's what I got. Very good presents! When I woke up yesterday morning, I called my brother. He & I talked awhile. Every time we do, I am amazed at how close I feel to him. While we were on the phone, a sister of mine beeped in, so I put us all in a conference call as my sister was singing the "Happy Birthday" song. They were both kung-fu-zed when they he...
Yesterday was my birthday!
I held a contest on AP. I wanted presents of words & that's what I got. Very good presents!
When I woke up yesterday morning, I called my brother. He & I talked awhile. Every time we do, I am amazed at how close I feel to him. While we were on the phone, a sister of mine beeped in, so I put us all in a conference call as my sister was singing the "Happy Birthday" song. They were both kung-fu-zed when they heard the other's voice. It made me laugh! I introduced my 19 year old sis to my 27 year old bro. After she hung up, he asked, "Is she related to me?" I had two answers to this one. "No, she's not; not by blood. But, if you count her like David Allen (his cousin), then yes, she is." He counts David Allen as not only his cousin, but mine as well, though he's not related by blood to me. Shane's related to David through his mom, not our father. I guess it depends on how you look at it. Maybe David Allen will be one cousin I can be close to!
Of course, I talked to other people as well. Friends from church, Chris & Vicky, came & got me & my son, & we went out to eat at McD's (McDonald's). We stopped by the thrift store, too. I found some nice things for Dewey, & a couple tops for me.
I will have my birthday dinner (as per my aunt's tradition) next Sunday.
Oh, before I hung up with my brother, I managed to get him & his son, Austin, to sing me "Happy Birthday" together. That's the first time my nephew has ever told me happy birthday. It was very special to me.
I am now 25, for those who are wondering.
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The maxim 'mother knows best' can safely be quoted when referring to the greatest and most prolific guardian of all, Mother Nature. In her lifetime of over four billion years, she has produced and nurtured a plethora of life. Great climatic changes have tested her powers of survival; tests of courage and strength which she has overcome. The advent of the human race has added to her burdens. She has successfully walked the tightrope of life. In her infancy she doggedly pre...
The maxim 'mother knows best' can safely be quoted when referring to the greatest and most prolific guardian of all, Mother Nature.
In her lifetime of over four billion years, she has produced and nurtured a plethora of life. Great climatic changes have tested her powers of survival; tests of courage and strength which she has overcome. The advent of the human race has added to her burdens.
She has successfully walked the tightrope of life. In her infancy she doggedly prepared for motherhood, biding her time, waiting for the primordial soup of the young planet to calm down.
The earth duly cooled into an uneven globe of molten lava, rock and water. Conditions eventually prevailed to allow an atmosphere to form, thereby encouraging the beginning of life.
Mother Nature came into being. Her young charges of forests and plains, deserts and oceans, thrived in the toxic environment. Diversity of life spread as the conditions changed to allow oxygen breathing life to accumulate.
Millenia passed by as creatures lived and died. Some became extinct through natural selection whilst others were obliterated in cataclysmic circumstances. Throughout all this, Mother Nature continued to re-build and to nurture her ever-growing family. All disasters were countered by her motherly instinct to protect her family.
After four billion years, Mother Nature was in full control, but then, along came the human race. Her final battle had begun.
The arrogance, greed and sheer stupidity of this bi-pedal species asserts the false belief it knows more about the planet than the venerable mother.
To survive, all species must adhere to the strict boundaries enforced by the laws of physics. The planet itself must conform to such laws. It cannot expand at will to support an ever-increasing threshold of life. It is a finite lump of rock and molten lava whirling and spinning an orbital path in the vacuum of space.
The human race has grown and spread to cover more and more of the limited space allowed by the planet. This has resulted in agricultural development, the birth of towns and cities, plus the gradual eroding of green pastures and forests. It has brought about the over-fishing of oceans and seas, the hunting to extinction of wild animals and the destruction of natural habitats.
Once fertile forests, the lungs of the planet, are being de-nuded. Open land and grassy plains, required...
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I've never bothered about Journals, diaries or suchlike things before. I would therefore be grateful for your infinite patience as I slowly get to grips with figuring out what can be done, should be done or should not be done. As the title suggests, this is me, only me. That's the way I tend to address friends as I write, text or e-mail them. It's how I generally introduce myself when entering a room, especially unexpectedly. Being a bit 'long in the tooth' , I have my fo...
I've never bothered about Journals, diaries or suchlike things before. I would therefore be grateful for your infinite patience as I slowly get to grips with figuring out what can be done, should be done or should not be done.
As the title suggests, this is me, only me. That's the way I tend to address friends as I write, text or e-mail them. It's how I generally introduce myself when entering a room, especially unexpectedly.
Being a bit 'long in the tooth' , I have my foibles which, for now, I'll keep to myself until such times as I become more acquainted with this thing known as a Journal.
For the time being let's just say I'm a friendly sort of person who likes to laugh and hates to hate (depending on the person or subject matter). Most of my adult life has revolved around (and still does) my dear wife. She has helped, threatened (ina kind hearted way), cajoled and loved me for a long time and I have responded in like manner towards her.
As for myself and my thoughts...no doubt dear reader, you will come to know me through the passage of time and, hopefully, you will like what you 'see'.
I guess that's it for now and I can guarantee there will be more illuminating and more exciting entries in the future. Maybe some entries may seem like rants (probably because they will be) whilst others may well be of a more mundane nature.
As for my hobbies; writing, writing and writing to name but three. I write short stories, preferably humour but I also have a dark side in my writing at times. I am playing with the idea of trying my hand at poetry and, who knows, if I can master this Journal business, I may well be writing more than I ever envisaged when I first acquainted pen with paper (or fingers to keyboard).
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Sorry I haven’t written anything these last days, but this week I’ve been very, very busy. I moved to a new apartment! Thank God, I could find one quite fast. So, I left my cave, for a two-bedroom dwelling. Amy’s going to have her own room, and there’s enough space for her adventures. Anyway, it’s going to be temporary; I plan to acquire a property of my own, but not now. So, on Monday, I started with the two easiest things for me: books and clothing. I put all that into some boxes,...
Sorry I haven’t written anything these last days, but this week I’ve been very, very busy. I moved to a new apartment! Thank God, I could find one quite fast. So, I left my cave, for a two-bedroom dwelling. Amy’s going to have her own room, and there’s enough space for her adventures. Anyway, it’s going to be temporary; I plan to acquire a property of my own, but not now.
So, on Monday, I started with the two easiest things for me: books and clothing. I put all that into some boxes, and had time to start developing a questionnaire I have to do for a class at college. By Tuesday, I had finished packing the few things I had in the small kitchen: dishes, cutlery, and a little microwave I bought. That same day, I went to sign the contract. The owners were delighted with the fact that they could find someone to rent the apartment so soon. “We put the sign last week”, he said. I left some boxes with books, and the kitchen stuff. I wanted to move before Saturday, so I put myself that goal. I had to work, fast!
On Wednesday, I picked Amy up, as usual. I told Ella that I was moving, and that I was going to start taking some of the stuff I left behind at her apartment. I had my desk, more books, clothing, CD’s, my espresso machine, pictures, among other things. She congratulated me on my moving to a new place, and helped me take most of the stuff to the back of my truck. As I was about to leave, she told me that Amy had told her about the circus, and about the fact that I had invited Mrs. Parisi to go with us. “She seems to be a very nice woman”. I had to hold myself not to laugh, since Ella was so serious when she said this. She thinks we’re dating, and I’m not going to tell her otherwise.
By Wednesday night, the only things I had yet to pack were the futon (my bed/ Amy’s bed when she sleeps over), and the TV I bought at a second-hand store a week after I moved to the studio. Amy felt strange in the studio, since it was so empty. But, we ate out, and went to Sams to check some furniture. I put my eye on a wooden dining set, and Amy fell in love with a white Victorian-style bed set with pink and purple butterflies. She said that it looked like a princess’s bed.
On Thursday, I took Amy to school in the morning, a bit earlier than usual, which gave me a few minutes to speak to Alejandra. I told her I was about to move to a new apartment, and she was so happy. I also told her about the lawyer, and that the divorce process had s...
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As I get older, I'll add some things and cross some off, and some will probably never be deleted but for now, here is the list of things I'd like to do before kicking the bucket: Travel to Venice.Travel to New York.Travel to South America. (Honduras Next Year) Travel to Egypt.Travel to Australia.Meet at least three of my AllJournal, AllPoetry, or StoryWrite friends.
As I get older, I'll add some things and cross some off, and some will probably never be deleted but for now, here is the list of things I'd like to do before kicking the bucket:
Travel to Venice.Travel to New York.Travel to South America. (Honduras Next Year)
Travel to Egypt.Travel to Australia.Meet at least three of my AllJournal, AllPoetry, or StoryWrite friends.Become a teacher on StoryWrite.Become a greeter on StoryWrite.Become a moderator on StoryWrite.Purchase a gold membership on StoryWrite.Earn over 50 trophies on Storywrite.Make green eggs and ham (hopefully with food colouring.)Talk someone out of suicide.Help a child find their parent.Give a tip of over $40 at a place that pays minimum wage.Survive off a year of minimum wage work.Get my licence.Own a car.Attend some sort of post-secondary school.Act in a movie that makes it into theatres.Direct a movie.Direct an adult movie.Be stage manager of a musical.Publish a story.Publish a poem.Publish a book.Own a company.Participate in the Thirty Hour Famine.Participate in the Relay for Life.Participate in the Day of Silence.Participate in the Walk for AIDS.Go snowboarding.Go scuba diving.Go white water rafting.Go skydiving.Build a house.
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I had a very good weekend with Amy. We went today to the Build-a-Bear store at the mall, and we got some denim overalls for Mr. Corduroy bear. His full name, according to Amy, is Robert Corduroy Bear, so she calls him Bobby. The overalls make Bobby look very nice. Bobby and Amy have become inseparable. Kyana is the only girl Amy speaks to in the class, and that is because Kyana is hyperactive beyond belief. So she basically takes the words out of Amy’s mouth. But they get along great. Every s...
I had a very good weekend with Amy. We went today to the Build-a-Bear store at the mall, and we got some denim overalls for Mr. Corduroy bear. His full name, according to Amy, is Robert Corduroy Bear, so she calls him Bobby. The overalls make Bobby look very nice. Bobby and Amy have become inseparable. Kyana is the only girl Amy speaks to in the class, and that is because Kyana is hyperactive beyond belief. So she basically takes the words out of Amy’s mouth. But they get along great. Every story Amy tells me about school starts with “Kyana and I…”. I’m planning to speak to Kyana’s mom, to see if I can take them both to the circus next weekend.
Amy and I were together from Friday night, until around 3 in the afternoon today. Delia is sewing Amy’s apple costume for the play, and she had to take some measures. So, I took Amy to Delia’s home, where Ella was going to pick her up. When I got there, Ella was waiting for us outside. She got Amy’s stuff, told me not to leave, and took the girl inside. She came back quickly, and stopped right in front of me. She apologized for what happened during the lunch. She explained that it had taken her by surprise, but that her reaction was not the appropriate one.
I had so many stuff that I wanted to tell her, but half of them would’ve been inappropriate. I just told her that it had taken me quite a while to assimilate the idea of a divorce, but that I was sure about it now. She said she understood, after what had been happening these last four months; it had been hard for both of us. Now, that I did not agree with. I mean, excuse me, but did she say it had been hard for her? I bet it had been so hard to chase Mr. Separated-but-not-yet-divorced like a woman with no dignity, while trampling my heart. Taking a deep breath, I utter the words that had been burning inside of me for the past days: ‘’ I thought you would be happy. After all, this is what you had planned’’. She looked at me with an expression of surprise and guilt. Miranda had told me all about her moves, and I had lost total respect for her. I confessed that with a new found strength and calm. She just spitted angrily that Miranda had no right to say anything.
I just turned around and left her there, looking at me as I boarded my Jeep and drove away home. She was right on the Miranda subject, but I had to know, any way or the other. I do admit I would have preferred to hear it from her. It would have hurt more, but I would have than...
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Today, I spoke with my father over the phone. I told him I had definitively taken the decision of proceeding with the divorce. I wanted him to know through me, and not my brother, like it happened last time. He said that he understood my decision, and that if I needed to talk further about it, I could go to his house anytime. I love my dad, and I know this is affecting him as much as it is affecting me. I know this was the least that he wanted for me. But I guess things happen for a reason.
Today, I spoke with my father over the phone. I told him I had definitively taken the decision of proceeding with the divorce. I wanted him to know through me, and not my brother, like it happened last time. He said that he understood my decision, and that if I needed to talk further about it, I could go to his house anytime. I love my dad, and I know this is affecting him as much as it is affecting me. I know this was the least that he wanted for me. But I guess things happen for a reason.
I do have to admit that it scares me. I had gotten too used to the idea of being married. I actually meant it when I vowed to be with her “until death do us part”. This uncertainty of being single again, meeting another person, whilst having to be in contact with my former partner through our daughter just makes me feel weird. Like it was an unnatural thing to do. I just hope this feeling fades away.
One friend told me that maybe we were not meant to be together. I’ve thought about that statement, and maybe she was right. I guess Ella wants to soar, and I just want to be on safe ground. I would never have the guts to hold her back, even if she rips my heart as she goes. An animal she is not, so she needs no restrains. If she feels like she doesn’t want to be beside me anymore, I’m not going to beg her to stay. I have dignity, and this dignity permits me to do the right thing, right now. And you all know what that is. I do it, not regretting a single thing.
There’s nothing to regret from this past five years. Nothing. The best thing that could’ve happened to me was to become a father. I think I’ve made clear how much I love my little miss Amy. My world changed entirely with her arrival. And, even though having a child like her is not an easy job, I enjoy every single second I spend with her. Knowing that I’m the father of such a wonderful child makes me feel blessed.
I just hope that, someday, Amy understands that what her mommy and her daddy are doing now is for the better.
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Today I took Amy to the park. It’s a nice park, with swings, slides, a big sand box, and lots of trees. It’s about 25 minutes away from the apartment, by car. I picked her up around 1 pm. She looked so adorable; she had decided to comb her hair, and was wearing pigtails. I love taking her to the park, because her eyes gleam with excitement every time she spots the big tree beside the swings. That’s our spot. We had a nice picnic, with rice cakes and cheese sandwiches. The rest of...
Today I took Amy to the park. It’s a nice park, with swings, slides, a big sand box, and lots of trees. It’s about 25 minutes away from the apartment, by car. I picked her up around 1 pm. She looked so adorable; she had decided to comb her hair, and was wearing pigtails. I love taking her to the park, because her eyes gleam with excitement every time she spots the big tree beside the swings. That’s our spot.
We had a nice picnic, with rice cakes and cheese sandwiches. The rest of the time, we spent it building bridges for the ants, with small branches and leaves. Once Amy sees a group of ants, be sure she will spend at least two hours trying to count them all, and tracking them to see where they go. She’s fascinated with ants, and insects in general.
I love to see her like that, her face illuminated with amaze, and she discovers a new thing inside her little world, framed with curiosity, innocence, and hope. I wish to be her first mate, as she embarks in the adventure of life. I want to be there to help, and to offer my advice, when she needs me.
At the end of the day, she took a bit of sand in one of her cups (8 spoons to be exact), and took one ant and placed it on the cup. When I asked her what was she going to do with that, she said she wanted to keep one in her room, and she wanted to make sure the ant has plenty of sand to build her house, inside the cup. I took her back to her mother, and she took her little friend with her. She called the ant Annie. Probably, Annie is not going to be in the cup tomorrow morning, but Amy, in her innocence, will visualize it there. Her innocence will keep that perception alive in her head. It is that innocence what I want to protect, for as long as possible.
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Prompt: "What are the top ten things you'd buy with your last 20 dollars?" Courtesy of my group - 'Think Positive' Subliminal message: Join the group [[Okay, okay, I do acknowledge the irony between the words-of-the-prompt and the group name.]]
Prompt: "What are the top ten things you'd buy with your last 20 dollars?"
Courtesy of my group - 'Think Positive'
Subliminal message: Join the group
[[Okay, okay, I do acknowledge the irony between the words-of-the-prompt and the group name.]]
The List:
10) Catfood.
No, I'm serious. You ever have a hungry cat in the house? It should be listed among the Great Plagues.
9) Sushi - three boxes.
Because nowadays, that's all a twenty will get you. Alternatively, I'd go to a Chinese buffet twice.
8) A lot of plastic spoons.
And by a lot, I mean a lot. I'd drill (or melt) small holes in the top and bottoms and then tie them together to make me a cloak.
7) Newest Muse disk.
Black Holes and Revelations. I have all the songs on my computer, but there is that extra satisfaction of having the actual album in hand.
6) Post-cards and post-marks and a telephone directory book.
Though I can probably get the last for free. Then I'd close my eyes, pick and choose, and send post-cards with holiday/non-holiday greeting to the unlucky people randomly selected. I'd skip anyone whose last name starts with A. The beginning of the alphabet gets enough attention anyhow.
5) A year long subscription to the most addicting site I can find and give it to my least favorite person.
I'll be both doing good and potentially dragging their offline life to a grinding halt. The question that arises here is, will this earn me bad karma or good?
4) Three umbrellas.
They would be very different colors and bright. I'd leave them, open, in the middle of a walkway in the historic downtown (at random intervals, making a bit of a triangle) and then, with my last five dollars, sit in a nearby coffee shop, watching through a window.
3) Lavender bush and a pot.
Because.
2) A green scarf.
I'd hang it around the birch outside my window. I think the tree's been jealous of the others' coloring. Evergreens ev...
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Well now that I have got my venting out, I thought I would introduce myself... Im Meg, 16, small town in a middle of nowhere. I have two sisters, Ann(22) and Kristin(20), and one brother Brandon(13). I babysit for the most amazing kids in the world, Kyle and Ashley both 10 and next door neighbors. I am lucky enough that I get to spend an hour and a half each day helping with Mr. Hollister's first grade class. My parents have not gotten along for as long as I can remember. Over t...
Well now that I have got my venting out, I thought I would introduce myself...
Im Meg, 16, small town in a middle of nowhere. I have two sisters, Ann(22) and Kristin(20), and one brother Brandon(13). I babysit for the most amazing kids in the world, Kyle and Ashley both 10 and next door neighbors. I am lucky enough that I get to spend an hour and a half each day helping with Mr. Hollister's first grade class. My parents have not gotten along for as long as I can remember. Over the years thing have just gotten worse and worse and worse. The night before Thanksgiving they finally hit the braking point. My dad spent 2 days in jail...
My mom even before Thanksgiving had been searching for someone new. She had an account on cupid.com, and I know went on several dates and talked to some of them on the phone and others via email. I've never been very close to my mom and now that all this has happened we are seperating more and more. It doesn't help that she told me that she really just wanted my brother because as a junior I will be moving out in a year anyway. And that having guardianship of us was "a matter of pride" Everytime I come home she spends her entire time complaining to me about how aweful my dad is and how he has me brain-washed by his mind games.
Well, my mom was the pshycology major... my dad is a chemiacl engineer= major nerd and is a social retard. My mom doesnt even know us kids. She doesn't know what we like at all, as she has repeatedly proved.
Today to start of my two week forced stay with my mom, she called me a fat bulimic drug addict whore. Let me just say "I love you too!" Do you honestly think that I am stumped when you ask what you have ever done to hurt me and I just sit there and dont answer??? No, Im to busy thinking about all the times. The problem is I dont want to hurt her anymore then I have to. Even through all her flat out lies, she is still my mom, no matter how much I hate her and wish I didnt have to deal with her ever agian, I still love her on some level or another.
Well yea... This last year has been a disaster for me. From totalling my car...to losing my virginity to someone I thought loved me, only to be dumped the next day. Going from one loser guy to another. But Ive also had some good times. My friends are the best in the world, and this whole experience has brought me alot closer to them and my dad's side of the family. My Grandpa's(90) funeral las...
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Yesterday was a very weird day. Right after leaving Amy at school with the lovely Mrs. Parisi, I started feeling a slight pain in my lower back. Within an hour, it had extended to the right side of my back. As the day went by, I tried to look as normal as possible, since I don’t like people noticing I’m in pain. Late in the afternoon, the pain concentrated mostly on my stomach. I should have gone easy with the dinner, but I was terribly hungry, and I fixed myself some spaghetti with chicken b...
Yesterday was a very weird day. Right after leaving Amy at school with the lovely Mrs. Parisi, I started feeling a slight pain in my lower back. Within an hour, it had extended to the right side of my back. As the day went by, I tried to look as normal as possible, since I don’t like people noticing I’m in pain. Late in the afternoon, the pain concentrated mostly on my stomach. I should have gone easy with the dinner, but I was terribly hungry, and I fixed myself some spaghetti with chicken breast. Now I realize it was a mistake. I could barely sleep at night. I vomited most of the food I had eaten during the day. I spent the night tossing and turning; any position I took was uncomfortable. I woke up around 9 today, and missed one of my classes. And still, my male pride forbids me to go to the doctor. The pain is gone, but I haven’t eaten anything, because just the slight smell of food nauseates me.
So today I was able to go to college on time. I also attended my session with the counselor. She said she was sorry to hear about what’s happening with Ella, and advised me to think carefully about what I’m going to do next. Whatever the decision is, I have to keep in mind that Amy could be affected in a negative way. This is the least I want. I don’t want to affect her relationships with other people in a future. I don’t want her to feel like this is her fault, or like she could have done something to avoid mommy and daddy from splitting. She also asked me something very important: “Is divorce what you really want?”.
Well, no, I answered. But it seems like that’s where we’re heading. If there was anything I could do to avoid that, to erase that from our vocabulary, I would do it. But I feel like, if there’s reconciliation now, we are going to end up splitting sooner or later. Her attitude towards this is quite negative, and I’m getting tired of feeling like a fool. At this point, I have to admit, I’m starting to believe it’s a better thing to live in separate places, than keep on hurting each other while living under the same roof. I thought about this the entire day.
Now, I’m here home, drinking some apple juice, and hoping I don’t feel bad tomorrow. Amy gets to stay with me, and I’m not going to let my stomach spoil our night.
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Ever been to a hall of mirrors? I haven't, but I imagine it would be much like going into one of those mirrored gym rooms where two opposite sides are wall-to-wall mirror and then there's you, with your weights or your stepping blocks, reflected to infinity, front and back, until you're too small to be seen. That's what life is: you reflected in every face you meet, every soul you leave an imprint in, every word you say that leaves a mark, intended and unintended. You are a mirror, ...
Ever been to a hall of mirrors? I haven't, but I imagine it would be much like going into one of those mirrored gym rooms where two opposite sides are wall-to-wall mirror and then there's you, with your weights or your stepping blocks, reflected to infinity, front and back, until you're too small to be seen.
That's what life is: you reflected in every face you meet, every soul you leave an imprint in, every word you say that leaves a mark, intended and unintended. You are a mirror, and you reflect yourself even as you are being reflected. Over and over again, spider-thin crack after another serrating your image until all that's that's left is a blaze of slivers and a whisper of 'what happened?' and 'how did we get here?'
You are a mirror, and as you break, everything around you begins to shatter too. Over and over again.
But shh, maybe if you don't tell,
maybe they won't notice.
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